Sunday, October 28, 2018

Diary from the Past: How I Stop Loving You

I don't need you.
It's just as well that I freed you.
It was always gonna be a passionate fight.
So go ahead and say it: "Have a good night".
Maybe now you can see,
that I was never as perfect as you made me out to be.
I can leave as quick as I came.
I can shake it off and take all the blame.
Honestly, we were never anything but cursed.
Truth is, you are better off as hers.
Truth is, it was all bad timing.
All these words I tell myself, flowing... & perfectly rhyming.
But no matter what I tell myself, I know it's just not true.
Because despite this mess, baby...I don't know how to stop loving you. 

I know that I've made it hard.
One minute I can't live without you, the next putting up my guard.
It's never been very clear...has it?
I could tell you what you want to hear. And you could have it.
We can pretend that this is how it'll always be.
Let's pretend...just you and me.
I'm on your lap...looking into those ocean eyes.
I can let the words pour out of my lips, pretending they'll never turn into good-byes.
You've finally got your hands on me.
I'm finally your baby.
All of this anticipation, years of waiting and build up.
But I always stop the dream...we both want more than what I will give up.

We were beating a dead horse with how we got there and why I couldn't say yes.
Still I just wanted you to see me take off this dress
I was so green with envy over things I wanted when you were begging me to take them.
I guess it's true when you said, "things are as complicated as you make them".
Round and round, we keep up this dance.
Oh babe, I know it was me who didn't give us the chance.
Hearing you tell me how it could be.....thrills me.
Knowing that I hurt you....dammit......still kills me.
You should know, every waking moment I think of you.
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. Someone tell me how to stop loving you!?

I've tried distance in so many damn ways.
I've put miles between us, cities and hundreds of highways.
I've gone silent thinking it would someday fade.
I've distracted, kept busy and hell, I even prayed.
Thought maybe if I was cruel to you that it would make you close that door.
All that ever did was make me want you even more.

Irony. If only I had known then.
Where were all our words back when?
The problem is that we are two of the same.
Always have been connected by something that we couldn't explain.
The day you walked down those stairs to see if he was there,
I was dressed in desire and paint and you with that unforgettable stare.
Your conscious saying, "behave, you."
How could you not have known with those eyes I gave you?!

You remember things about me that no one else cared to.
If only you knew all the things I remember about you.
Saying how I feel is often as impossible as breaking free from the chains
But so many times you are the only thing pumping blood through my veins.
Even though you're not, I look over and you're beside me in this bed.
"I'm gonna be honest, sometimes I get sad" you said.
And how I want to whisper back "I'm yours now, forever."
Shit. I can't make promises but I never say never...

Running away faster now. You knew that I would.
If I can't have you then someone else should.
I wanted you to be happy, even wished that someone else would come along.
And then she did. And I realized...I was wishing all wrong.
Hoping she gives you what I didn't, even though it kills me because YOU ARE MINE!
Every piece of my heart shattering, are not mine.
Babe you and I both know in her hundreds of hours with you, she will never be in any way
...what I was to you in just one day.
I can't be selfish- if Im not yours, then someone else should be.
Tears coming harder now. I knew that they would be.

I've smashed this phone in frustration, I've slid down the shower wall.
I've turned up the music and ignored the call.
I've stared at the bottom of the bottle playing the "I don't care" game.
.......But you always come back every time I call your name.
And every time you do, it's like a gasp of fresh air.
a breath of life and yet...somehow utterly unfair.
Dear God, what did I do that was such a crime?!
to deserve something so good at the wrong time?

It's like trying to defy gravity. It's like screaming but no one can hear.
It's like trying to make someone you've lost, reappear.
It's like trying to prove your heart is a liar.
But realizing you can't stop the flame to a fire.
It's like riding a carousel and trying to stay in the same place.
Like trying to stop loving your perfect face.
Like an addiction, I don't know how to give up those beautiful eyes of blue.

And now I finally get it... I'll never stop loving you. 

You are more than just a moment lost in time.......
You were always supposed to be mine.

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