Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Facing Myself.

I don't know. I guess I'm a moody person in general. A week ago I felt like everything was falling into place. I felt like nothing could bring us down.  I'm feeling really overwhelmed and suffocated tonight. I hate to complain and sound ungrateful. In fact as I write this, I feel myself not wanting to push the keys to type out how I really feel….I know that there are much bigger problems that people are facing every day. Still, I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that won't go away. The kind that makes me want to get in the car and just drive. To where? I don't know. Just….somewhere.

I'm human. And I guess that in itself gives me the right to feel down or overwhelmed at times. I am not really the type of person who likes to spill my feelings when they are negative. But tonight, I just don't care. Here I am. Sitting in the middle of a house packed full of boxes with an empty wine glass by my side, music playing... and a husband sleeping in the other room, frustrated and probably hurt by the words that I just spit at him. Ty and I get along well generally. Mostly due to him, such a laid-back and understanding soul.  If it weren't for me, we'd probably never fight. However, I am often a difficult person to love. I truly feel this way...

There is A LOT going on lately. We are moving. We also have some financial projects that we are dabbling in and as good as I think the outcome will be, it's off to a intense and busy beginning. Ty's work is demanding and I've been working some overtime this week too. We have exactly 4 days to have our entire house packed, furnished and bags packed before we drive to Boston and then hop on a plane to Florida. As you can imagine, I feel like I have no time. I miss Scarlett immensely. By the time I get home at night and do all that needs to be done,  I have just enough energy to get us ready for bed. Food? Not even hungry. Sleep? Never enough of it. I know Ty does as much as he can considering that he works really long days. But I'm still extremely exhausted just the same! I could bore you with the list of things I do from the minute I get up until the moment my face hits the pillow, but somehow, I don't have the energy to go through even thinking about it again tonight…..And let me tell you, 2 hours out to celebrate an anniversary, is not enough. So tired that I'm sure this whole post will hold many errors and who knows if it will even make sense. So I apologize if this post is all over the place.

I had that of a mini-break down today. Maybe I'm being dramatic but it sure felt like I could quit this all tonight and run away. 

On the way to pick up Scarlett, I sat in my car on the side of the road and just cried. I don't cry much. But today, after a hectic day at work, issues with the broker, and numerous other things that weren't going to plan, it felt as though something heavy was sitting on my chest making it hard to breathe. I tried to ignore the weight. Pull it all together. I couldn't help but think of all the unchecked items on my to do list. All the responsibilities. The frustration hit and I could feel my mind spiraling. That's when the crying happened. A good few minutes of watching myself cry in the rearview mirror. After that, I wiped the make up running down my face, sniffled a little and continued my drive to pick up my Scarlett. I thought of what I tell Scarlett on numerous occasions, "Crying gets you no where." I may change my stance on that since it did make me feel a tiny bit better.  I'm stupid and selfish in the fact that I have everything that a girl could ask for. A nice home, an understanding and faithful husband, a beautiful, healthy little girl, nice cars, a room full of clothes, I live in an amazing city and have a job that I enjoy. So why? Why on a Tuesday afternoon, am I sitting here facing myself? Why am I staring in the rear view mirror watching tears roll down my face?

I do know that nothing is forever. Things will slow down. This I know, (and I can't wait for that). But I still have days that I find myself wondering…..selfish human thoughts. I love being a free spirit. I love being able to get up in the morning and not know what the day will hold. I love to be spontaneous and do spur of the moment things. I've been missing that lately. I've been so overwhelmed with the hundred things going on that I feel like I'm losing myself. Losing important pieces.

Maybe it's just the stressful month we've had that's getting to me.

With all of that aside, I am happy with where I am in life. I just feel like I'm hitting my breaking point lately. As if I'm driving myself straight into the fire. The problem is, I'm always taking on more than I should because I love the challenge and I truly do love to be busy. This time, it was just a little more than I bargained for. I guess sometimes you have to slow down and face yourself. I was in such a rush to go...that I forgot where I was going. 

"Life Support" Sam Smith

Saturday, September 6, 2014

A Booze Cruise.

"Something's Gotta Give"

I guess you know it's been a good night when you're in the arms of your lover, overlooking the water, high heel broken, hair a mess, tipsy from the drink but feeling free as a bird. Yes. These nights come few and far between lately but how I soak them up. Life has consumed us with being parents and working and other projects that we have recently begun and blah, blah, blah….It was nice to catch up and take each other in a bit.

Ty was invited to a company booze cruise and I was excited to get some time away with him and do something different. It's been awhile since I've been on a booze cruise. Probably over 6 years ago. I adore date nights. Nights that we can be that couple that met 5 years ago to the day this September 11th.  I can't believe it's been that long! With all that we've had going on lately, it's pretty easy to lose track of romance. It's go-go-go all week long and everything simple and worthy of my time seems to slip through the cracks. Lately I've been glued to the Time-Hop App. Five years ago, around this time, Ty and I were just discovering each other and I've been living vicariously through the app, reliving all those glorious days.
 Days like this and this and this.
They bring feelings flooding back. Those memories hold such spark and life. I love to think back on them. Aaaaand…..this gets me longing for those feelings once again….which is where our nights out come in. That's me, constantly trying to find ways to relive those days of passion. Some may think that it's silly. I think it's a good thing. I'm not out cheating or flirting. I'm thinking back on the beginning of our relationship and I'm keeping that fire burning. I loathe mundane. I can't do ruts. So I water my grass and make it greener. After all, I'd be stupid to let this man escape.

We showed up to a pretty little boat, modest in size but with inviting lights and character. The boat launched from The Port of Albany and although I was hesitant about what it would be like floating down the Hudson River, to my surprise it was really quite pretty. We talked over drinks on the front of the boat and then laughed as I did my "I'm the king of the world" re-enactment. I take advantage of the moments. The moments where we can just look at each other and just be Lauren and Ty, in love. By the end of the night, we had made our way to the back of the boat and I had Ty wrapped around me as we sipped the last of our drinks. We didn't talk much at the end of the night. We just sat together quiet. I laid my head on his chest and it felt good. 

Sometimes Ty and I can just sit together silently-no need to say a word because we know everything is just how it's supposed to be.

I feel lucky a lot. I say that often I know, but I feel compelled to say it. From where I've been, this is pretty damn perfect and I'd be a fool to not be thankful…Anyhow, it was a good night on that booze cruise. I'm taking this one down in the books as: a night to remember.

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Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Pieces of August.

 This girl and her Frenchie.
 Date nights...
 Testing out the new pool.
 Yaddo Gardens.
 Amusement Park Fun.
 City Strolls.
August flew by, didn't it? 
Scarlett is as wild and sweet as ever and Ty has been working loads of hours. We are planning for an upcoming vacation to Florida in September & then a move 2 days after we return.  Fuuuunnnn…….right?
It seems like I've been trying to get organized and packed for quite some time now without really accomplishing much. This past week we had some free time to get some things accomplished after work but we opted to take strolls into the city instead. Of course Scarlett is always up for that as well. It's kind of relaxing to just stroll through the city and walk about. It's become a ritual that on our way home, Ty and I stop at the Thirsty Owl Wine Outlet and grab some wine to bring home. After spending our anniversary in the Finger Lakes, no wine really compares. But as wine snobbish as we may be now, lol….just sipping some wine with Ty for a few minutes on the porch at night while we listen to music is really therapeutic. It's usually interrupted by Scarlett getting out of her bed for the 15th time to go potty or needing a drink. I guess you can say that we haven't really had much time together lately. That's how life is right now. We make the best of it knowing that it's temporary. In fact today, we actually spent an entire Sunday together cooking on the grill, doing some yard work, shopping, making a big 'ole chocolate cake and eating it while we watched movies. AND I do believe we had a date night a couple weeks ago. I guess I can't complain.

My little sister and mother came to visit the weekend prior. We went to an amusement park and Scarlett rode her VERY first roller coaster. The little dare devil is not like her Daddy in that way. I sent him clips of her riding on the coaster (see that HERE) while he was at work. Clearly he was having a heart attack from his response back…haha.

Lately I've been spending a lot of free time (which isn't much) writing and listening to music. I think I've spent the last 3 nights writing in bed until midnight or so. Maybe it's because life seems so hectic lately that I have felt compelled to write more. It's always been my release; my coping tool. So here I sit in bed at 10:30 pm again…..writing this. And it may or may not make much sense or have a real point but I guess that is what happens when you are overtired.

The next couple of months are going to be stressful. We've got a lot going on and so I hope that things fall into place. I could use some positive thoughts and prayers…. Anyhow, I started my week off at the horse track to have breakfast and mimosas with friends from work. It was a great way to start off a Monday if you ask me ;)The rest of the week is filled with fun stuff. Booze cruises, a night out and more family visiting end of the week. We'll get our packing done….eventually. ;)

Saturday, August 9, 2014


I have never liked gambling. Take me to a casino and you'll find me in the dance club or out by the pool. It just doesn't appeal to me. Maybe it's the fact that I deal with risk all day long. I analyze debt to income (DTI) and Loan to Value (LTV) all day long at work. I see the ins and outs of trends and analysis'. When it comes to my personal or home life, I prefer to stay on the safer side of things.

Matter of fact, I'm pretty sure that I've always been like that. I am not much of a gambler. I like to analyze the risk and take the safe road. Ty on the other hand is a dreamer, and he's in for a chance or two. Recently we have come across some opportunity to do something a bit out of our comfort realm and I've been very hesitant to approach it. Over the last few days, I've been contemplating all the pros, cons, worst-case scenarios and best-case scenarios. The fact that we've never done anything like this before is scary in itself. I am very much a realist and I'm conditioned to stay away from anything that I'm unsure of.

But tonight, I've been thinking about the way I view things. I've never taken a huge risk. Well, besides Ty. Which is debatable because in my heart, I knew that he was not a risk. It's rare that I take a path that is unknown and I've decided I need to take a chance. I'm going to trust Ty and go with this. As hard as it may be to step aside and let someone else make a decision, I'm stepping aside and beside him is where I will stay. I mean, You have to live a little. I'm always saying that I hate the same old routine, I like spontaneity. Here Ty is giving me something and I'm shying away? So we are doing it. I said I was ready for some change in this post, and I guess I'm going to get some.

It isn't a packing up and moving across the country type of risk, but it will involve a move….I'm excited and nervous all in one. I'll talk more about this as things get finalized. I'm not one who likes to speak about stuff much until I know for sure it is going to all work out. In the meantime, we are enjoying this busy summer! Nights in the city trying new places, plays in the park, splash pads, ice cream and early mornings in the park. I have to say, we live in a pretty amazing city & we are taking advantage of that this summer.

Friday, July 25, 2014

Pieces Lately.

Ty planted some seeds with Scarlett early this spring. They quickly grew into plants and outgrew their pods. These photos were taken right after being replanted and although they appear weepy, I can assure you….they are growing big and strong now. Updated photos on them to come. Scarlett loves watching them grow and learning the process of growing plants. She counts them and names them, all of that fun stuff.

Most of my mornings are spent at coffee shops like this before work. It's ironic since I only drink decaf but even their decaf is wonderful and they always have delicious pastries or breakfast sandwiches. I've learned that sometimes it's really relaxing and therapuetic to begin the day sitting outside with coffee and the birds before a busy workday. 
We brought Scarlett to a few fun things this summer. One of them was this day. She rode on a couple of rides that almost gave Ty a heart attack. My little dare devil...
A lot of walks in the city for dinner or ice cream or just to enjoy time together.