I'm human. And I guess that in itself gives me the right to feel down or overwhelmed at times. I am not really the type of person who likes to spill my feelings when they are negative. But tonight, I just don't care. Here I am. Sitting in the middle of a house packed full of boxes with an empty wine glass by my side, music playing... and a husband sleeping in the other room, frustrated and probably hurt by the words that I just spit at him. Ty and I get along well generally. Mostly due to him, such a laid-back and understanding soul. If it weren't for me, we'd probably never fight. However, I am often a difficult person to love. I truly feel this way...
There is A LOT going on lately. We are moving. We also have some financial projects that we are dabbling in and as good as I think the outcome will be, it's off to a intense and busy beginning. Ty's work is demanding and I've been working some overtime this week too. We have exactly 4 days to have our entire house packed, furnished and bags packed before we drive to Boston and then hop on a plane to Florida. As you can imagine, I feel like I have no time. I miss Scarlett immensely. By the time I get home at night and do all that needs to be done, I have just enough energy to get us ready for bed. Food? Not even hungry. Sleep? Never enough of it. I know Ty does as much as he can considering that he works really long days. But I'm still extremely exhausted just the same! I could bore you with the list of things I do from the minute I get up until the moment my face hits the pillow, but somehow, I don't have the energy to go through even thinking about it again tonight…..And let me tell you, 2 hours out to celebrate an anniversary, is not enough. So tired that I'm sure this whole post will hold many errors and who knows if it will even make sense. So I apologize if this post is all over the place.
I had that of a mini-break down today. Maybe I'm being dramatic but it sure felt like I could quit this all tonight and run away.
On the way to pick up Scarlett, I sat in my car on the side of the road and just cried. I don't cry much. But today, after a hectic day at work, issues with the broker, and numerous other things that weren't going to plan, it felt as though something heavy was sitting on my chest making it hard to breathe. I tried to ignore the weight. Pull it all together. I couldn't help but think of all the unchecked items on my to do list. All the responsibilities. The frustration hit and I could feel my mind spiraling. That's when the crying happened. A good few minutes of watching myself cry in the rearview mirror. After that, I wiped the make up running down my face, sniffled a little and continued my drive to pick up my Scarlett. I thought of what I tell Scarlett on numerous occasions, "Crying gets you no where." I may change my stance on that since it did make me feel a tiny bit better. I'm stupid and selfish in the fact that I have everything that a girl could ask for. A nice home, an understanding and faithful husband, a beautiful, healthy little girl, nice cars, a room full of clothes, I live in an amazing city and have a job that I enjoy. So why? Why on a Tuesday afternoon, am I sitting here facing myself? Why am I staring in the rear view mirror watching tears roll down my face?
I do know that nothing is forever. Things will slow down. This I know, (and I can't wait for that). But I still have days that I find myself wondering…..selfish human thoughts. I love being a free spirit. I love being able to get up in the morning and not know what the day will hold. I love to be spontaneous and do spur of the moment things. I've been missing that lately. I've been so overwhelmed with the hundred things going on that I feel like I'm losing myself. Losing important pieces.
Maybe it's just the stressful month we've had that's getting to me.
With all of that aside, I am happy with where I am in life. I just feel like I'm hitting my breaking point lately. As if I'm driving myself straight into the fire. The problem is, I'm always taking on more than I should because I love the challenge and I truly do love to be busy. This time, it was just a little more than I bargained for. I guess sometimes you have to slow down and face yourself. I was in such a rush to go...that I forgot where I was going.
"Life Support" Sam Smith