Well, it's been awhile since I've been wordy on here.
So here's what has been on my mind….
In the beginning I was really skeptical of my new job. Going into it, I was a bit closed-minded. By now, you would think that I would know better, right? Three or so weeks in, I am loving my job! The people are nice, the location is conveniently located right in the city (a mile from our home) and I feel like I am an important asset to the company there. This is something that I haven't experienced in previous jobs. Feeling like just a number was common. My work entails all different kinds of projects, brainstorming and meetings. I get to give feedback and come up with new ideas for the company. Essentially, I am growing with them as they become larger. It is funny how quickly things can turn around. The more I learn, the more I understand that I can be what I want to be. I can bring myself as far as I want. There is a lot of potential in this new job and it excites me. This has brought a couple of other topics up. One of them…..babies.
It seems like everyone has been asking us when baby number two is coming. It's as if people look at us like there is this imaginary clock above our heads ticking- reminding us that we should be trying for another baby. I understand that this is what families do and probably why it is expected. I can admit that I had a great deal of baby fever over the last few months and even I was questioning when it would be. With all the pregnancies and newborn babies surrounding me, it was hard not to think about this.
Scarlett was (and still is) asking for a baby sister or a baby Boy sister (I'm pretty sure she means a brother). *smile* She's even started calling me her sister…..But now that I've started my new job, my thoughts on this have changed. The urge has suddenly calmed. Strangely, I want to wait. I want to establish myself in the new company. I want to learn everything that I can and become excellent at it. It's in my personality to be great at what I do, or not do it at all. I can't help but think about what would happen if I got pregnant right now. If it started anything like my last pregnancy I would feel like I am experiencing the worst hangover of my life for 4 months straight. I know this may not happen again, but am I willing to take that chance right now? How can I focus on my job and becoming a valuable asset if I am sick as dog, puking every other hour? I really can't. If we had another baby, I would want to stay home again and raise it as I did with Scarlett. I believe in this if it is possible. I loved staying home with Scarlett for the first two years and I would want to do the same if I had another. Besides, with the outrageous costs of childcare, two kids in daycare would probably cost more than my salary anyway. Unfortunately, this means that I would give up work- something that I am really enjoying right now. I'm just not ready for the next step. This throws a bit of a curve in our plans. I really wanted Scarlett to have a sibling close in age. Even if I got pregnant now, Scarlett would be well over 3 by the time the second came along. That's okay too. After these thoughts, I started to consider whether we wanted to have more at all. How did I go from wanting a baby NOW to maybe being done? And what about this post?
Now that I have found this strange happiness in working, in getting up, grabbing my coffee before heading out the door, and making a difference, maybe that need for another baby has dissipated….for now at least.
I take things day by day and hope that I'm making the right decisions. I am still young. I know many people are starting later and later this day in age. When I was young, I always envisioned having 4 or 5 children. Then by the time I was 20, I didn't want to have children at all. When Scarlett came along, she filled me with such love that I wanted more. People and wants change. The picture in my head of what my life would be like at age 29 isn't what I see now. But that's okay. I'm not sure where I stand with the idea of another child. Pieces of me want another desperately and pieces of me are selfish and want to focus on me. I battle with not being able to have everything all at once. I do want more children but I also want to have that happiness of doing something for me.
It all comes back to this: I'm not really in control of anything. It's all in God's hands. Maybe someday in the future I will have another baby. I think Ty would like to….I think I would too…eventually. For now I continue to watch Scarlett become an amazing tiny person and I am thankful for every bit her.
I hold her little hand and listen to her little voice. Instantly I think…..I am already truly blessed.
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