Monday, April 19, 2021

And just like that, Vera turned 1.

 Tonight, on the eve of Vera's birthday (when I wrote this),  I sat in Vera's rocker and fed her. I nursed her a little longer than I normally do. She looked up at me and just rubbed my face like she always does. Most nights, I lay her down and then she whimpers a bit as I close the door. A few cries and then she soothes herself to sleep.

Tonight, for the first time ever, she pushed away from me and reached for her crib. I laid her down gently and she closed her little eyes. A gesture that she indeed, is not a baby anymore. A notion that she is more independent than she was last month, or even just a few days ago. It was a hard moment for me. I didn't expect this as I had never felt this as strongly with either of my others. I suppose it is because I know deep down that she is my last. If I were someone who cried easily, I think it would have warranted tears. There were definitely tears falling inside. Pieces of my Mama heart that were aching. No one tells you that you will miss those late nights. No one tells you that the hardest parts of motherhood aren't the sleepless nights or the long, sometimes stressful days when they won't let you put them down or the teething...the toddler years where there into everything or the defiant years. They don't tell you that the hardest part of motherhood is watching them outgrow everything. That you never really know when it's the last time they will do something. The last time they breastfeed or drink a bottle. The last time that they need your guidance as they learn to walk. The last time they wear those tiny baby outfits that you picked out. The last time they want to hold you as they go to sleep...

My Vera...I didn't notice this as much with the other babies. I'm not sure why. But how I do notice it with you. You my dear, are now 1 years old. You are slowly outgrowing the baby stage and turning into a toddler. I say that I don't cry much but my sweet little one, I'd be lying if I said that doesn't make me teary-eyed. 

It is such a bittersweet thing. Because as I mourn the last stage, I get to watch her enter new territory and it's always as blissful as the last. Watching her run around and laugh and play. Watching her personality come out. She is as wild and fun as I could have ever dreamt! How on earth did these amazing kids come from me!? 

We didn't have a huge celebration. I've learned that sometimes simple can be more than special. I made a tiny organic, low sugar cake for her. We bought her a special dress and one special toy. That was it. 
Friends and family joined us on a fun little Zoom session to sing her Happy Birthday. Instead of spending too much money on a party, we went to Disney in February. It was her first trip ever and we brought her to Disney. I'm all about experiences these days. 

It feels like I just had this tiny 7 lb 13 oz baby girl...Just yesterday she was the tiniest baby that would never sleep and just wanted to be close to her Mama! Now, here she is reaching for her crib and ready to sleep alone. It wasn't too long ago that she was kicking inside my stomach, as I waited to meet you.  And just like that, she turned 1. It all goes so fast. I struggle try to hang on to every little moment. I battle with wanting to do everything and wallow in the slow moments. 

Happy Birthday my sweet Vera Solveig!!  It is the sweetest joy to watch you grow.

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