Sunday, July 28, 2019

The Caboose.

I just traded in the good ole' Buick for a sporty Jaguar F-Pace about 5 months ago. The kids were growing out of car seats and the room just wasn't needed. I was ready for something a little more fun to drive.
When I went back to NY to pack up the rest of our belongings in preparation to sell one of our houses,  I gave away ALL of my baby items. And by ALL, I mean even the things I had saved just in case for the last 4 years. I decided I just didn't need the baby things anymore. It was time to part with them. What I didn't give away, I sold. I said goodbye to all the strollers, baby toys and high chairs.

It was becoming very clear to me that my baby days were fading away and I just had one more year of Maxwell in preschool before he headed off to Kindergarten!
I was ok with it. Ty and I had some projects that we were thinking about beginning and I started to be at peace knowing that our family was complete with 2 kids and 2 dogs. I was looking forward to an adult-only trip or two in the future.

Life sometimes just has other plans.
The second I did all of these things, SURPRISE....of a lifetime might I add!! I felt a little off and just thought, hmm, the last time I felt like this.... 
I dug anxiously through an old box under the sink until I found what I was searching for. In my hand I held an unopened pregnancy test, leftover from a 2-pack that I bought when I found out I was pregnant with Maxwell. The expiration date read, "3-19". I shrugged and thought, hopefully this thing works 5 years later and expired lol. This is how in tune with my body I am. In my life, I have only ever taken 3 pregnancy tests....and they were ALL positive. Yes, that stick lit up PREGNANT in less time than it took to turn it over to read it. I kind of stood there in shock...(even though I already knew this would be the answer-I know my body too well). With Scarlett, we knew there was that one time that we should have been more careful. With Maxwell we knew we wanted another and weren't preventing it but weren't actively trying. So we weren't shocked when we found out about him....but this time. I was a little bit completely in shock.

After that, my mind did a bit of surging as I connected a hundred different scenarios of how this could be good or bad. I just got rid of every single baby thing I have, my car is NOT baby friendly, we are moving in 2 months, we just got 2 dogs!! I guess it was fate. I thought my baby days were over! A baby!? Oh man, I can't even think about this right now! I need a drink....S*#!,  I can't even drink!! lol...And then, all of a sudden, I just put down the test and this euphoric feeling came over me. And just like that, I was thrilled to have a little surprise caboose baby. I guess if I'm being honest, I always suppressed this inkling of a feeling that maybe, just maybe I wanted one more. I just didn't think it would actually ever happen. Ty and I talked about it a few times. It always started with me asking him if he really wanted any more and with him saying, "If it's meant to be, it will be". And then my sarcastic remark,  "Ok, Florida Georgia Line...."
And then I would end the conversation with the final thought, I think we are complete with the four of us. I like my sleep too much! And Ty would nod in agreement.

But life has a way of unraveling and surprising us, with every turn. Despite the timing, it is meant to be. This is our last baby. Our TRUE last baby. (We are making sure of that this time around lol) And I am savoring this last run-through. I know how quickly it goes and I will never again get to experience this. It IS a blessing in so many ways. So, despite being sick in bed for DAYS! (The most sick I have ever been during a pregnancy might I add). And hating every morning when I have to wake up and puke before trying to smell every disgusting smell that crossed my nose, being so exhausted that I can't even stay awake past 5pm let alone workout and feeling like I have the worst hangover of my life for 2 months straight.....I am greatly looking forward to adding one last baby to our family.
Wow, it sounds crazy to say!!! This time around I am less scared but more impatient. With both past pregnancies I was sick for the first 3-4 months. And low and behold this one is no different. I was actually more sick this time around than I was with the last 2. I was just eager for the sick stage to pass.

I was so far off of my norm for a while and by the absence on social media, here and just contact with humans in general,  I'm sure you could tell. I was survival mode. My eating was so bad. I couldn't stand vegetables or fruits and everything I used to eat made me want to puke. I found myself eyeing oreos in the cookie aisle (what!?!?), wanting pasta and bread every day and to scarf down bananas by the bucket. The cravings were real and changed often! And it seems the only thing to make the nausea subside was to snack all day. If I'm 300 lbs at the end of this pregnancy, I won't be shocked lol. I've been MIA because the tiniest bit of energy that I've had has been used to workout or spend time with the kids. Priorities. And social media just wasn't one. Even if it was a 10 min workout, I got it in at least 4-5 times a week because between me not eating the normal healthy food that I normally eat and just the regular first trimester horribleness that I experience, I was not a pretty sight. Lots of days of feeling really down and defeated. I'm not a sit around kinda girl. To be out of commision and stuck in the house 24/7 was really depressing for me.  Working out gave me a little bit of joy and so I pushed through them. They say that working out in the first trimester can actually help give you more energy too. That wasn't really the case for me but it did give me some sanity! I had to stop working out about 2 weeks ago though. I got really sick with some nasty virus. Fever, sore throat, chills, sinus pain...the whole nine yards.  I was coughing so badly and for so long that I threw out my neck/shoulder and was in a lot of pain for quite some time. Of course, not much I could take. That led to me not being able to work out. I'm still getting over the coughing and the fact that I never have to go through another first trimester is TOTALLY ok with me.
The next question always is, besides healthy,  do you want a boy or a girl? Well, when I was pregnant with Scarlett, I wanted NOTHING but a girl. I wanted a girl so badly that I would cry because everyone was guessing it was a boy by the way I carried.  But the week before my ultrasound, I had a dream that it was a girl. And I just knew from that moment on that it was going to be a girl. Sure enough, Scarlett.  Then, with Maxwell, I wanted a boy in the worst way! I guess because I already had a girl. But boys were not that common in my family so I assumed it was a girl. Again, a week before my ultrasound, I had a dream it was a boy. And low and behold, Maxwell! So I'm just waiting for my dream to tell me what I am having this time.  Has this ever happened to anyone else with the dreams?!?
I honestly have ZERO preference this time around. I have a boy and a girl and so whatever God wants to give me, is fine with me. He seems to have a pretty good track record with giving me amazing little people no matter the gender. The kids were SO over the moon to find out that a new baby is coming. I wasn't sure what Maxwell's reaction would be. First he asked me if it's a boy. Then he asked me if it's going to "come out of my butt" and then he ran to collect some old toys for the baby. In ture Scarlett fashion, she shrieked with delight and then wanted to know if it can sleep in her room so she can take care of it.

As I start into the second trimester, the symptoms are fading and I'm on the mend from the sickness that I had.  I've started to plan my workouts and thank God I'm finally craving the healthy foods that I used to eat. I want to share a lot of this pregnancy with you and what I will be eating, workouts I will be doing and anything else I can that might be helpful. I know not everyone has a hard first trimester, but for those of you who do, gosh I feel for you!! I've been there and it sucks. Just do the best you can. That's all you can do. Do what makes your body feel better, eat what you can and hang in there!! Sometimes nothing helps and in my case, this was true. None of the remedies or meds...nothing. I just had to ride it out! B6 did help me with nausea a little bit. Just try different things and see what works for you.

I had a lot of emotions about this pregnancy. Panic. lol, Sheer happiness. The blues. Guilt. The panic and happiness is pretty much expected. The blues were probably a combination of the hormones and just not being able to eat/workout like I used to. There was a long period of time that I just felt down. Mentally, not in a good place.  I want to say THANK YOU to all of you who reached out to me after noticing I've been MIA or just asking "Is everything ok?" It means the world to me that you would care and I won't forget the ones that have been there, asked how I was or just listened to me complain when I needed to. In the hardest times of your life, that's when you know who will be down for you. Thank you to the ones who were there. <3  It's also helped me to see things a little differently and I have a alternative outlook on what's important and what truly matters. (that's for another post). And then there was the guilt. Apprehensive to tell people because I personally know quite a few people that are trying for a baby or have had miscarriages and I can imagine whenever they hear this news from someone else, it is just another sting. And my heart hurts for them. Still, they smile and say congrats and are happy for me. So I admire their strong spirits and pray that good things are in the future for them. xoxo.

Anyhow, that is my news. I look back over the last 10 years and it amazes me how far I've come. How different my life looks. I've added a lot of meaning to my train over the years. Self-worth, pain, growth, knowledge, love, heartache, 2 humans, respect, confidence, adventure, a couple doggies, memories galore....the list goes on. And now, the next thing to add to my train is our little caboose baby who will arrive early in 2020. We will find out the gender this week!!!! Stay tuned...

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