Thursday, July 9, 2015

Nursing, Growth Spurts, life and Nursing AGAIN.

The first two weeks of Maxwell were sheer bliss. I felt like I healed so much more quickly than with Scarlett. Maxwell was as easy as could be (hardly ever cried), and I was enjoying motherhood immensely. We had pool days and went places and I enjoyed my little boy so. And then Maxwell turned 13 days old and it was like a switch. I had to put on my thinking cap and recall back to when Scarlett was a newborn. It started to come back to me that around the same time, this happened to her as well. He started to nurse 24/7 and when I say that, I mean every hour for 30-45 min. That's literally all day long. He was fussy and cried so much more. He was going through a growth spurt I figured. I knew he was getting enough milk since he gained a half pound over night and continued to gain weight since. He also had plenty of wet/dirty diapers. I assume he was building up my milk supply.

 I don't want this post to come off that I am complaining or ungrateful of motherhood because I without a doubt feel such gratitude for being able to have these precious children of mine. I know some women would do anything for what I have. They truly are my world. But let's face it, motherhood is hard. And very rarely do we talk about it. We just go about our day putting on fake smiles and when someone asks how things are, we grin and say fine. Maybe we think that no one wants to hear or maybe no one else talks about it so we think we shouldn't either. Well, I'm not afraid to talk about it. I think it helps others when we are honest with our feelings. Life is full of ups and downs, highs and lows. Why should we only talk about the good times? I generally like to keep things positive, ( I tend to highlight those moments on my blog) but what good is our suffering or hardships if we don't share them to help others, if only to let someone know they aren't alone. And along with me being honest, it helps me to get this all out. That way I don't have to lock myself in the bathroom alone and cry.  So here is my truth…...

The last two weeks have been extremely hard for me. After Maxwell started this…growth spurt (is what I believe it is) I tried to ride it out but it has taken it's toll on me. I haven't slept in days, I can't remember when the last time I showered is and I'm lucky if I have time to pee, let alone do something that I enjoy. Newborns can be hard. I do remember Scarlett was fussy at times. But Scarlett was a very independent baby. I could put her down and she would be content to swing or hang out looking out the window. Not my Maxwell. He's a mama's boy already. Never wants to be put down and just wants to nurse 24/7. And I do mean that he will switch from breast to breast for hours. He doesn't nap for more than 20 minutes at a time during the day, not enough time for me to nap, and lately, only sleeps an hour or so at a time during the night. He went from sleeping 3-4 hour stretches to this. Trust me, I've been to the doctors and they say he is healthy as ever and probably going through multiple growth spurts or comfort nursing. But that I should continue to nurse when he's hungry.

I am not a home-body. I like to be out doing things, especially with this beautiful weather. But instead I've been camping out on the couch with nursing pads surrounding me, a baby latched onto my boob and a large glass of water beside me. I loved nursing Scarlett but I most certainly forgot about the hard parts of breastfeeding. Funny how as mothers, we do that.  The baby and I both got thrush last week (probably since he nurses so much) and we had to get treated for that. Not a fun thing for either of us. 

I know it will pass and soon he'll be back to sleeping and eating more routine again, but the last couple hard. After 2 maybe 3 total hours of sleep each night (sometimes less), I wake up to feed him again, then swaddle him up and put him down while I rush to throw clothes on and help Scarlett get ready for school. She still requires some attention, too. She has begun summer camp for 3 days a week and I'm thankful for those days since I am not much help to her at home lately.  On days that she is in summer camp, I camp out myself in my rocker in my room. I see my bedroom view more than I like to. I try to get outside as much as possible. We nurse by the pool, as we take a little walk and on the porch. Sometimes I'm just too tired and want to stay in my bedroom.

Thank God Scarlett has been so awesome lately and helped to get herself dressed each morning after I pick out her clothes for her. Then she helps rock the baby while I make her breakfast. Sweetest girl! He usually still cries anyhow and then I put him in his carseat and swing him with one arm while I cut up fruit or waffles for Scarlett.  Often I am nursing him while I'm doing all of these things and I must say, I need to invest in a sling carrier. I am going to have arms of steel! Then I drive her to camp hoping he wont start screaming on the way. Usually he likes the car but not always.

 Today, I had to take Scarlett to the doctors for her 4 year check up. After lugging in a screaming baby, I tried to help Scarlett get undressed while nursing him at the same timel. It's a juggling act. The hardest part was putting the baby down so I could help Scarlett with shots. He cried, then she cried. This continued when Maxwell cried the whole way home. Scarlett joined in with him again when we drove past the playground and I told her that we couldn't play there today, baby brother is too fussy.  So two children screamed all. the. way. home. When I got home, I nursed him again, set him down ever so carefully and rushed to make some lunch for Scarlett and I. Of course he started crying before I was done so I put him in the wrap and tried to bring him with me as I prepared food. That lasted all of 3 minutes before he started crying again. Once I was done, I brought our food into the living room and told Scarlett we were having a picnic. We sat criss-cross apple sauce and I nursed Maxwell (as I do through most meals). As I went to bite into my sandwich, I spotted mold on the bread….the downfall to having organic foods, they spoil quickly. I stopped Scarlett from taking a bite just in time and into the trash went the sandwiches……………we ate cereal.

 Bless you mothers of more than two. Seriously. Don't get me wrong, he has good days too. We take full advantage of those days by usually, napping. I feel very isolated and out of the loop lately. I am the type of person that can't let the house be dirty. It literally stresses me out when the house is out of sorts. So the fact that the laundry is piling up, dishes are not in the dishwasher, dirt is on my floors and toys are everywhere really stresses me out. This adds to it all. I feel horrible guilt for not being able to do more with Scarlett. She seems to only want Ty lately and it hurts me to know that my first baby wants Daddy over me lately. How can I blame her? I haven't done much with her in awhile. I try to watch a movie with her once in awhile or play barbies with her. Although by the time we eat and have time to do these things, I'm so exhausted that I can't think straight. Ty helps with laundry, chores, Scarlett's bath and dinner. Bless him for coming home after working all day long and still helping without one complaint. Often times he doesn't go to bed until midnight just catching up on the things that I couldn't get to. Which is everything lately!  I know that these hard times will pass. I'm hoping sooner rather than later. I want to be able to enjoy these baby days and enjoy nursing, which I haven't really enjoyed at all lately with the nonstop eating. I do try and think of my blessings as these hard times are among me. I love this little boy with all my heart and soul!!!!

Again, I know some women would take all of this in a heartbeat for the chance to have a child. Still, we as mothers have a right to feel overwhelmed and exhausted at times. We have a right to talk about these things not only to let others know that they aren't alone, but to vent a little; let go of the stress.

Tell me, I'm not the only one who has these moments, am I? I am thankful for this little space where I can vent and have such wonderful readers respond with such kind words. Thank you for being wonderful and not judging....
I am all for nursing in public if you choose to. I generally like to use a nursing cover in public as my personal preference but decided to post this photo because #normalizebreastfeeding


  1. Nope! You are definitely not the only one!! :)

    When my second daughter was born, I felt HORRIBLE because I felt like all I was doing was nursing and neglecting my firstborn. But I had failed to nurse my firstborn so breastfeeding this baby was EVERYTHING to me and I would not let anything stop me this time. I will say, it gets better. It gets less crazy. It becomes more enjoyable. But there are still crazy days. Just yesterday, I was crying because I felt so overwhelmed with everything I had to do. I felt frustrated that I never get a break. That doesn't mean that I don't love being a mom...I love it more than anything! But it just means that being a mom can be tough. It can be very very lonely. But it is such a beautiful blessing.

    Hang in there mama. You are doing a wonderful job!! (By the way, my maiden name is Maxwell so I'm loving the name!!)

  2. I agree, being a parent is sooo hard and even though we are blessed to do it, it still takes a toll. People always say it is so different when you add a second baby in the mix so hats off to you and I am sure things will get better soon and it will be make you stronger as a mommy! Hang in there and thanks for sharing the hard side of being a parent!

  3. You certainly are not alone! This too shall pass... Also, do you have a photographer that follows you around? haha

  4. gahhhh I just want to hug you. but not too hard because I'd squish the nursing baby. ;) I feel for you so much. my daughter was super independent and my little boy was/is supppper attached. he's 14 months now and I can say that it does get better. I gave up nursing after 9 weeks and switched to goats milk. he was a different baby! I reallllly regret not nursing until at least a year but I felt like I was being a terrible mom in every other area. I'm not trying to convince you to stop nursing AT ALL just want you to know that I totally sympathize with you. he is the best sleeper and at this point it's already hard to remember those first terribly hard months. (and he came after a still birth and late miscarriage so I am in no way complaining either. :))

  5. I'm sorry. :( It is SO hard. My Scarlet was about the same age as yours when we added baby Annie. Those first 8 weeks about did me in. Do you ever pump? Wonder if you are producing as much as he needs? Don't feel guilty for your feelings, you just do what you can to survive, that's why God made kids so resilient! You will forget about this time just like Scarlett will. Just my 2 cents, if I were you, and I was there just a year ago, I would try to pump and feed him a big old bottle and see if that satisfies him for longer? Prayers to ya'll and don't beat yourself up, whether they talk about it or not, all moms go through it, the strongs one come out on top, (and YOU WILL)!

  6. At least your bedroom is really pretty! :) Bless you - hang in there! My first (and last, haha) was just like M - He screamed literally all the time. Colic hit. Reflux hit. It was a nightmare and the reason we will not have another one, but we made it through all those tough times and now he is 18 months old - healthy as can be. (Still doesn't sleep through the night, yea, can you believe that? I cannot either) Hold strong and know you aren't alone in the difficulties! They all seem to be go through these phases!!!!!

  7. I totally can relate. My daughter went through the same thing when she was a newborn and was nothing at all like my son who was totally chill and like your Scarlett would just sit on the swing and watch the outdoors. The times will get better and your honesty is a beautiful thing and there is no judgment coming from here because I TOTALLY understand and feel your pain. This too shall pass and you will enjoy all those smiles and all that baby chubbiness he is building up in there :) Take it easy and as hard as it may be to do it one day at a time! I will be praying for you!

  8. My aunt was just telling me how she felt exactly like this. She had her first son, and then 15 months later had her other son. She felt like she was neglecting her first born, but in general she was just trying to be a mom to a newborn and as well as a mom to a 15 month old. So I see where you are coming from. You're doing a great job! You arent alone.


Thank you for all your comments & kind words!! I reply in the comments section so check back if you have a question :) xo