I loathe when people say to me, "You can afford to stay home with your children. Why would you give that up? They are only little once."
Do they not think that I haven't thought about that a million times? Do they not realize that parts of this still guilts me? Do they not realize that it was an extremely difficult choice and I decided to do what I felt was right in my heart? I cannot dwell on the choices that I made. No one knows what's best for your family better than you.
Time. When I have too much of it, it is my enemy. When I don't have enough of it, it is my enemy. I am not complaining by any means. But it is definitely an adjustment. Going from having time to do the things that I need to accomplish, doing things that I enjoy, to not having a spare second….it's going to take some time to get used to. When I'm feeling exhausted and defeated, I always remember that this too, is just a stage in life. It won't last forever.
As you have probably noticed, I haven't blogged in awhile…….
Again, time is the reasoning there. I am trying to find balance between being a mother, a wife and working full-time. I love work and of course I love being a mother, but it leaves little time for anything else.
The one thing that I can't seem to find time for happens to be extremely important to me.
Writing.It's been there for me longer than anyone else has. I start to lose myself when I don't write. I feel as though pieces of me start to fade. I don't like that feeling.
By the end of the day, after working 8 hours, bathing a child, cooking dinner, doing laundry, putting a little girl, who doesn't like to go to sleep to bed and taking a shower myself (if I'm lucky), I have two choices: write or go to bed. As midnight stares me in the face, I think about how quickly 6 am will come. Before I can decide what I want to do, my body reminds me that I am exhausted and I start to wonder how other working mothers do it. So…how do you all do it?
I am a perfectionist in many things that I do. I dread failure. I feel as though I am failing. I am told at work that I am a great asset and that I'm doing a wonderful job. Scarlett seems happy to go to school. Ty doesn't complain that we don't have much time together, he takes what he can get and tries to help me as much as he can. But at the end of the day, even after everything has gone according to plan, I still feel like I'm failing. I feel like I am failing myself.
I think that when you are a mother working full time, you have to prioritize and give up/let go of some of the things that you can't do. You also have to ask for help. The other night, after working a very busy day, I sat on the floor of the living room doing bills. I had thrown in a load of laundry and tried to pick up the house. Scarlett was laughing as she threw my papers and pushed buttons on my laptop. I kept telling her, no Scarlett, stop. She kept laughing. I thought about how much I still had to do and that it was a slim chance I would get to write before the night ended. I thought about the fact that my hair was greasy and I hadn't gotten to shower. That I hadn't gotten to read any books with Scarlett or watch a movie with her like I used to. In that moment as I watched my bills all over the living room and a house in shambles, I had a bit of a melt down. My eyes went dewy and I yelled at Scarlett, STOP! JUST GO AWAY and leave me alone!
I sat there looking at a little girl who was confused. I exhaled a breath of exhaustion and regret. Ty stood over me with a look of concern. I felt defeated. He asked me what was wrong. I didn't even have an answer. I was just….overwhelmed. I started to vent, "I haven't had a minute to relax! I haven't wrote anything in days, I smell and don't have time to shower because I have to do these stupid bills that I don't even want to look at because I still have a hundred other things to do!" Ty looked at me and said, "Babe, if you need help, you have to ask. "
It's been a week since my melt-down and I'm feeling much better about prioritizing and letting go.