Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Didn't See This Coming.

I had an entire post ready to go for tonight and here I am writing this instead. 

The truth is, last week I was contemplating giving my notice at work and staying home with Scarlett. I love my new job and it's a wonderful company but Scarlett's sickness week after week has really taken a toll on all of us. I have a hidden sense of guilt that is slowly emerging to the surface. Working three days a week is great in the fact that I get to spend Thursday through Sunday with my little girl. But in the past 4 months, my entire income has gone to pay for Scarlett's childcare or medical bills. From a financial stand point, this hardly seems worth it. Even more importantly, Scarlett's constant sickness makes it even less worth it. A lot of times I feel selfish because the reason I keep going to work is because I enjoy it. I love being busy and that I feel a sense of importance and satisfaction. I know that if I were to take Scarlett out of childcare now, she wouldn't be sick as much. In fact before she went to school, she was rarely sick. Maybe we wouldn't have to consider tubes for her? People always remind me that once she does start Kindergarten, sickness will happen anyway. But by that time, she will have a better immune system and most likely, she won't have the constant ear infections that her every sickness (even colds) turns into. These thoughts all plague me. 

Today, after leaving work, I was even more confused than ever. I was pulled aside and offered a full-time position in Business Development. They told me that they were going to hire outside but that they had confidence that I could take on this position as well as maintain my loan processing position……..


I was a bit taken back. This company is amazing. They are so understanding when I'm out for sometimes a week or more because Scarlett is sick. And now this! Offering me a position that usually requires a masters degree or years of experience. I'm flattered but still confused.

I feel torn. 

A part of me is thinking:
How can I turn this down? This is an amazing opportunity that may never come again. This is a challenge and I am so excited to see what I can do and where this may bring me. I have been waiting for this kind of chance for quite some time. These thoughts bring me such happiness.

The mother in me is thinking:
How can I give up the few days a week that I have left to spend with Scarlett? She is 2 years, 8 months and 3 days old. Soon she will be in kindergarten and that will be it. Her toddler years will be gone. I won't have that special time with her ever again. How can I take this on now when we aren't sure about Scarlett's health in terms of her ears and getting tubes. (We go this Thursday for our first consultation.) Then there is the fact that Scarlett has just started to go through some separation anxiety. For the last couple of weeks or so, she has been crying all the way to school begging to go to the store with me instead of going to school. Once we are there, she cries screams for me not to leave her. I have to pull her off of me and run out quickly, leaving her in the arms of a teacher. And all the moms tell me, don't worry, it's a phase and she will get over it. I understand this. I know this. But being that I have a history of anxiety myself, I know that terrible feeling all too well. It breaks my heart that I can't stay and comfort her, hold her and tell her that I will be there no matter what. Most days I cry all the way to work, praying that she knows how much I love her. Of course, she calms down within minutes and they send me a photo of her playing.

When I found out that I was going to become a mother, there were a million worries that went through my mind. Little did I know that the hardest decisions wouldn't come until years later. I'm sure that this will continue to happen throughout her childhood. This is by far the hardest decision I've had to make. 

They are only babies once and yet, opportunities like this don't come around often.  
A couple of weeks ago when I was contemplating quitting my part-time job for the sake of my daughter, I didn't see this coming. Sometimes, and not always because often I am confused with how life works,  I feel like things happen for a reason. Maybe this offer came along at just the right time? I haven't a clue what the right thing to do is. I feel completely overwhelmed. A lot of times when I feel this confused, I just drop it all and let God figure it out for me. Well God, I've got until tomorrow morning to make my decision……don't fail me now!

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  1. Follow you heart and do what you feel it right for you and your family and either way everything will fall in to place and I know you will be so happy.

  2. Im so sorry, this is a tough decision. My advice, choose the options that would leave you with no regrets. Ill be praying for you guys and that your sweet baby girl feels 100% better

  3. Follow your heart. Neither choice is better than the other and one day she may even be inspired by the work you do or remember the moments she had with mom. Either way, do what makes you happy because happy moms raise happy babies. Good luck.

  4. Lauren, God gave us instincts for a reason. I was just having this convo with my SIL over Christmas break. I too had a job opportunity that was willing to pay for more school for me so they could put me in the position they were grooming me for. I had a 2 year old and just turned 1 year old at the time. I missed my daughter walking for the first time and she was in the same building as me. I thought the stay at home mom feelings/missing my babies would go away. But for me it ate at me every day and it just got harder and harder! I'm certainly not telling you to quit your job. But I am saying in your gut, you know what to do.

    I ended up quitting my job and cried sad and happy tears all the way home. I was a teacher and had formed a super strong bond with my students, but even that wasn't enough! When I left it felt like the final scene in the book, The Help. We all cried ugly tears. When I walked away that day I felt such a sense of relief. You're absolutely right, you'll never get these years back with your daughter. Once they're gone, they're gone.

    Good luck mama! I'll be praying for you!

  5. I'm in the same boat as you are so I'm very hesitant to write ANYTHING....I don't want to guide in you one direction or the other because I myself am SO LOST with what the right thing to do is here...

    When my daughter was a little over a year old, I tried the whole work 9-5 while she went to a daycare thing and ended up realizing I wasn't making hardly a DIME after paying for her care... I was like you (and still am!) in that I love having a "schedule" when I wake up every morning. I love staying busy. So.. everyone around me saw that I wasn't doing anything but working to pay for daycare...except me. I was in denial. She cried just like Scarlett does when I took her every morning and it broke my heart leaving her there like that so much so that I would sometimes have to take the "long way to work" with my windows down just to let my eyes dry up. I finally quit.

    I did sign up to go back to school (which I'm currently doing). I only go twice a week for just a few hours. I've been blessed that her Grandma watches her for me for just that long. I'm to the point where I could probably get a job to get my foot in the door somewhere so that when I get my degree I could just jump right in... the problem is, it's hit me that in just another year she'll be going off to pre-K and I won't be left with the option of staying at home with my precious baby spending countless hours hugging and watching Barney together... I know when that day comes it's going to hit me like a ton of bricks...

    but it's then that I feel I'll have all the time in the world to work. And it will be here before I know it. So I'm trying to be patient and enjoy this little bit of time I have left with her.

    I'll be praying for you.. pray for me, too! ;)

  6. Gosh, I don't know what the answer is. It's so difficult knowing when to put the mother in you first or the woman. Good luck with whatever you choose. :)

  7. This might be a little late, but have you considered a full time sitter/nanny instead of daycare. I work full-time (Monday-Friday), go to school, and my daughter stays with a sitter during the day (7 am-5 pm). Sometimes they're cheaper than daycare, and you don't run the risk of having your child in constant contact with other kids.

    My daughter has only been sick a few times, and the lady that watches her takes her on play dates with other children so she still gets that social interaction. Just a thought to consider. :) Good luck in whatever you decide.

  8. I am a full time employee and I have one son here at home with me and another that lives with his father by no choice of my own that's just the way the cookies crumbled for me.I stayed at home with my first born and I loved it, some days were rough but overall I enjoyed it very much and I know that the bond we have no even though there is a distance has us closer together. It hurts not to watch my oldest son grow because I am living in another state entirely than he does and that is real pain to my heart. I have my little guy that I miss terribly when he is at school but we have to pay the bills it is just financially smart for us to have one person at home. At the end of the day follow your gutt and if staying home is more important TO YOU and your husband can handle the finances on his own than go ahead and stay home, I know that I would love to be close to and get to know my child better. There is always going to be oppourtunity out there, but there is also some that comes once in a lifetime and it seems that that is your crossroads now. I say go with your gutt and do what it tells you, it's never failed me and I am sure that it won't fail you either. If you do decide to take this job that enjoy it and embrace it and know that your little will be just fine. My baby boys and I have a bond that no one else can break even though I do work :) Good luck in your decision!

  9. I know exactly what you mean. My first daughter was always sick and i felt so guilty leaving her at school... She was just one year old! Now I'm at home because I've just had my second baby and I'm thinking about keeping my first one at home with us.. But you know what? She asks me to go to school! She loves having children to play with and know she knows what to expect from her school days! She started going every day but since I'm at home I bring her to school just three days and even her sickness gets better!
    PS: I just posted my link here ( I'm a new follower!)

  10. Praying you have peace about whatever you decide!

  11. I just feel like you :( but once someone told me. That you cannot have a cake and eat it. That means you cannot have everything at the same time. God have given us angels to take care of them and not some one else do it for us. I have decided to be a full time job mom and sometimes it's hard because I don't feel successful, I don't feel productive at all, etc. and being a mom is not done when kindergarten comes yet. A friend told me that she went to go back to work when her children were 14 years old and I thought that's a long time and fair for you I reply and she said I left them in the most important phase of their life because everything I built up their friends took it away from them. I think I'll never have a full time job.
    Think about kids go away from home one day and you will have all time just for you. Best, Iris


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