Sunday, July 26, 2020

Chapter 36.

This week I turned 36.......I don't know. I still feel 24. I often look at my 3 kids and think, how am I an adult and a parent of 3 kids now?! When did this happen? It happened so quickly. I still feel like that 25 year old girl who didn't know what was coming next. I guess that's how it feels to get older. 
I'm not afraid of birthdays or telling people my age. 36. I don't think I'll ever be that person.

Man.....this year. I wish I could say that I was celebrating my week long celebrations like usual. I wish I could say I was having friends and family here to join in on festivities and pool days like I normally host. That isn't the case this year. I am that Leo who loves to celebrate allllllll week long. The bigger the plans, the better. I did have a nice day despite being low key. Last year, when I was beyond sick and pregnant on my birthday, I remember thinking, 'next year will be better.' I had no clue that it would be a year much harder.

I think we can all agree that this year has been tumultuous. I debated sharing much but I decided I would because I've always shared the real stuff too. Why stop now?

If you were to ask me 6 months ago what life would look like, I would have said, well......I would have said what I said on New Year's like I did HERE. Scroll to the last paragraph.....My feeling was oh so wrong, right? We never really know, do we?

No, I could never have imagined what this year would really look like. I envisioned that baby Vera would be born and my pregnancy sickness would finally be gone. We would have spent time away on a couple of fun vacations that we had planned....ahem...Hawaii. I'll be quietly crying over here....ha. I love to take trips and go on adventures even when my babies are small. I envisioned that we would have opened our gym and be flourishing in the business of fitness. When Ty and I began the gym, we knew we were taking a risk, but we couldn't have dreamed that the thing we needed to worry about most was a pandemic. I envisioned my kids walking to the brand new built school across from our newly built house and Maxwell loving his first year of Kindergarten like a normal 5 year old.

Shortly after Vera was born....Coronavirus hit. We have been pretty isolated for months now. Texas wasn't hit bad during the beginning but we still did our part and stayed home. Then the Governor began to open everything back up very quickly and with little restrictions and it all went to hell. Right now, things are pretty bad here in San Antonio. Hospitals overloaded. Even lots of younger ages like 20-30 in the hospitals. Hence why we had to shut back down the bars and roll back capacities. We have been on lockdown just as long as NY and NE but now the Northeast area is opening back up and we are still here dealing with it all here.

In addition to that, we have had a lot of changes in our lives. Ty is currently working on a job assignment in DC and he isn't expected to return for quite awhile. Ty hasn't been able to come back to visit because of the COVID restrictions to high case states. He had flights to come back for my birthday and they were squashed because TX is a hot spot so flights got cancelled. Restrictions keep getting worse. Until things calm down and Texas cases decline, he most likely won't be able to get back.

So I've been here a few weeks with 3 kids, one being an infant, 2 dogs, a gym to get running all while a pandemic is occuring. No biggie. School here will begin online for at least the first month so I am figuring that out. I'm sad that Maxwell's first year of Kindergarten will not be in person. And HOW on earth will people who need to work outside the home swing it??  It's all so stressful.  The kids took it hard when Ty left. If it wasn't enough that they had to stay inside for months on end and not see friends, stop their normal life, then their dad left.  Especially Scarlett since she is a bit older and understands it more. I haven't had the heart to tell them that they won't get to see him this month either. And it makes us both sad that he won't see much of Vera's first year. He missed her sitting up for the first time.

It's all really heavy.

To say it's been a rough month is an understatement. You would never know by my poker face, but my emotions have been at every level possible. Since Ty has been gone I have been running on empty quite often.
Vera has been going through some sort of growth spurt or sleep regression or teething no sleep strike. She wouldn't sleep more than an hour at a time. For nights, I woke every hour. About 2-4 hours of sleep is all I would get. I stayed up late each night working on gym details, trying to get everything prepared because I had to. Which by the way, the gym is going well despite the pandemic and crazy TX cases of COVID. Between hiring and training, business networking, meeting for inspections and other details, it's been a lot of work. On top of that I have to prepare to go back to work with my real estate team and of course do all of the things that used to be so easy.
Like showering.
Or groceries.
Making dinner is a struggle when your 5 month old won't let you put her down, your 5 year old is asking for help with 10 things and you are running on zero sleep. My eating has been not good in the fact that I haven't even been remembering to eat. I have tried my best to squeeze in workouts. I'm the last to make excuses of why I can't work out, but this has been a whole new level of crazy! Even time blocking doesn't seem to help these days. There's only so many blocks.  Also, It's also been in the triple digits so the kids aren't outside much. It's hard to even take walks when it's 99 degrees at 9am, 105 during the day and still 98 degrees at 9pm still! It feels like walls everywhere.  I'm still trying to figure out how to navigate through this new chapter. How to get it all done by myself. How to stop feeling guilty for the stuff I just can't get done. How to keep looking at the positive when I keep getting pushed down with every turn. Looking for that rainbow after the rain.
I feel like I am failing a lot. How I can feel like I'm making headway and failing at the same time.... I don't know.
I feel like if I get ahead with gym stuff then I'm falling behind on time with the kids and if I take the time to sleep, then I miss out on crucial work things. The balancing act is a struggle right now. The house is messy a lot. I guess I need to get my house cleaners back in here.

I won't pretend I know the answers. I thought my pregnancy was hard....let me tell you I had no idea that it was gonna get worse. It's funny how we have to experience a lower rock bottom to realize that what we had before wasn't so bad after all. So now, in this phase, I acknowledge that it could be so much worse still. And I'm thankful for all of the blessings in my life despite the heaviness. Despite the empty nights alone. Despite missing my husband. Despite needing another pair of arms always! Despite some days feeling numb....Despite the resentment that creeps in. Despite feeling like I lose my mind now and again.  lol. Despite not knowing when any kind of normal will return. I am thankful. Oh so thankful. It takes practice to be thankful when things seem to be falling apart. I've gotten good at it. 

I'm thankful for health and healthy kids. I'm thankful for a Nanny who treats my kids so well and helps me more than she knows. If you saw the cutest video and surprise she and the kids made for me on my birthday, (I posted on Insta) then you know how sweet she is! I'm thankful for the gym still moving along in a time when lots of businesses are going out of business. I'm thankful for a house and the fact that we are financially well. I'm thankful for seeing Vera's smiling face each morning that I wake up. And Maxwell's evening "Cereal Parties" that, unbeknownst to him, give me a sense of comfort. I'm thankful for a mothering Scarlett who helps me with Vera when I ask. I could go on with all of the blessings I have.

Still, sometimes when I'm running on 3 hours of sleep and the dog accidently pees all over the floor, the baby pukes down my shirt, Maxwell is asking for 100 snacks, Scarlett has been on her iphone for way too long, I haven't eaten in 5 hours or showered in 3 days, we need groceries, I've been out straight all day running from gym to interview and the house is a mess all in the same day.....(true events) it can be hard to be grateful.
But I am. Humbled and grateful. 

I don't know what chapter 36 will bring. I don't anticipate anything. I won't hope for what I want things to look like. I'm just taking it one step at a time and trying to look at all the blessings.
I admit, I am not as optimistic as I was back in January. in fact, if I'm being honest, I would tell you that this year has made me a bit cold, a little resentful and looking for more. But feeling that way won't make things better. So I do what I do best, keep my eye on the things I want. I keep my chin up and work hard. Do the best I can. The kids and I saw a rainbow today and it was the perfect little picture of hope dancing in the sky. Scarlett took a picture of it and asked, will it stay? I replied, "Nope. Nothing lasts forever." And this is true for our struggles too.

Anyhow, I don't tell you all of this as a sob story. I assure you I will be ok. I tell you all this because we all have hard times. You generally don't see any of the hard stuff on social media or online. You just see the 'fairy tale' highlight reel. Or the fake "life is always amazing" BS. Whether people choose to share it or not, there is no right or wrong. But we ALL have our struggles. ALL of us. You are not alone. We all wake up and put one foot in front of the other, to live our best lives with one mutual thing in common. We all just want to be happy. So as I head into chapter 36, I wish you all the strength to get you through whatever struggle it is that you are going through this year. There's good things waiting for you and me on the other side of that mountain. Not every chapter of our lives will be carefree and easy. So I'm taking heart that this is a chapter. A plot twist. A moment in time. Maybe it's defining us? Maybe it's showing us a strength we didn't know we had. Just maybe it's the chaos before the good things. If you are feeling heavy or hopeless tonight.....I'm sending some love your way.


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