Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Facing Myself.




I don't know. I guess I'm a moody person in general. A week ago I felt like everything was falling into place. I felt like nothing could bring us down.  I'm feeling really overwhelmed and suffocated tonight. I hate to complain and sound ungrateful. In fact as I write this, I feel myself not wanting to push the keys to type out how I really feel….I know that there are much bigger problems that people are facing every day. Still, I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that won't go away. The kind that makes me want to get in the car and just drive. To where? I don't know. Just….somewhere.

I'm human. And I guess that in itself gives me the right to feel down or overwhelmed at times. I am not really the type of person who likes to spill my feelings when they are negative. But tonight, I just don't care. Here I am. Sitting in the middle of a house packed full of boxes with an empty wine glass by my side, music playing... and a husband sleeping in the other room, frustrated and probably hurt by the words that I just spit at him. Ty and I get along well generally. Mostly due to him, such a laid-back and understanding soul.  If it weren't for me, we'd probably never fight. However, I am often a difficult person to love. I truly feel this way...

There is A LOT going on lately. We are moving. We also have some financial projects that we are dabbling in and as good as I think the outcome will be, it's off to a intense and busy beginning. Ty's work is demanding and I've been working some overtime this week too. We have exactly 4 days to have our entire house packed, furnished and bags packed before we drive to Boston and then hop on a plane to Florida. As you can imagine, I feel like I have no time. I miss Scarlett immensely. By the time I get home at night and do all that needs to be done,  I have just enough energy to get us ready for bed. Food? Not even hungry. Sleep? Never enough of it. I know Ty does as much as he can considering that he works really long days. But I'm still extremely exhausted just the same! I could bore you with the list of things I do from the minute I get up until the moment my face hits the pillow, but somehow, I don't have the energy to go through even thinking about it again tonight…..And let me tell you, 2 hours out to celebrate an anniversary, is not enough. So tired that I'm sure this whole post will hold many errors and who knows if it will even make sense. So I apologize if this post is all over the place.

I had that of a mini-break down today. Maybe I'm being dramatic but it sure felt like I could quit this all tonight and run away. 


On the way to pick up Scarlett, I sat in my car on the side of the road and just cried. I don't cry much. But today, after a hectic day at work, issues with the broker, and numerous other things that weren't going to plan, it felt as though something heavy was sitting on my chest making it hard to breathe. I tried to ignore the weight. Pull it all together. I couldn't help but think of all the unchecked items on my to do list. All the responsibilities. The frustration hit and I could feel my mind spiraling. That's when the crying happened. A good few minutes of watching myself cry in the rearview mirror. After that, I wiped the make up running down my face, sniffled a little and continued my drive to pick up my Scarlett. I thought of what I tell Scarlett on numerous occasions, "Crying gets you no where." I may change my stance on that since it did make me feel a tiny bit better.  I'm stupid and selfish in the fact that I have everything that a girl could ask for. A nice home, an understanding and faithful husband, a beautiful, healthy little girl, nice cars, a room full of clothes, I live in an amazing city and have a job that I enjoy. So why? Why on a Tuesday afternoon, am I sitting here facing myself? Why am I staring in the rear view mirror watching tears roll down my face?


I do know that nothing is forever. Things will slow down. This I know, (and I can't wait for that). But I still have days that I find myself wondering…..selfish human thoughts. I love being a free spirit. I love being able to get up in the morning and not know what the day will hold. I love to be spontaneous and do spur of the moment things. I've been missing that lately. I've been so overwhelmed with the hundred things going on that I feel like I'm losing myself. Losing important pieces.

Maybe it's just the stressful month we've had that's getting to me.

With all of that aside, I am happy with where I am in life. I just feel like I'm hitting my breaking point lately. As if I'm driving myself straight into the fire. The problem is, I'm always taking on more than I should because I love the challenge and I truly do love to be busy. This time, it was just a little more than I bargained for. I guess sometimes you have to slow down and face yourself. I was in such a rush to go...that I forgot where I was going. 



"Life Support" Sam Smith








8 comments:

  1. I can definitely relate a little with this post! I also take on too much then I should to only make myself more stressed and overwhelmed with life. I try to tell myself everyday to take one day at a time and focus on whats really important before the rest! Us women are strong and we can get through anything. Keep your head up and everything will fall into place. It always does :)

    Xo Ash

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  2. I can't be sure I've EVER commented before but this spoke deeply to my heart. I too feel the struggle. I've been feeling anxious, lost and exhausted lately. When I "logically" try to identify what I am feeling I immediately go through the check list - work, husband, house, child - check check check yet the feeling hasn't went away. I'm hoping this is just a small growing pang. Something that will change with the new season. Cheers to being honest & vulnerable.

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  3. Thank you for being so honest. It's easy to write posts that are "happy" but it's harder to admit the truth and I commend you for that. I hope things get better. Hang in there.

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  4. One little step at a time...and remember to smile, even if it's the last thing you want to do! It'll be fine you can do this :)

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  5. Lauren I love your blog, I am sorry it's been a tought time & hope tomorrow is a brighter day. A wise 4. Year old shared with me the other day that crying is when feelings come our from your eyes. As a working Mummy these days seem to be a little more frequent. I recently took a step out on my own and bought my own business (a pre-school) it was a terrifying, stressful & nervous time- but it has been the most rewarding yeAr of my life to date. I am no risk taker so this was a huge!. I look forward to reading about your families new adventure. It will all be worth it- "if you don't build your own dreams somebody will happily employ you to build theirs" Xx from Sydney Australia

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  6. Lauren I love your blog, I am sorry it's been a tought time & hope tomorrow is a brighter day. A wise 4. Year old shared with me the other day that crying is when feelings come our from your eyes. As a working Mummy these days seem to be a little more frequent. I recently took a step out on my own and bought my own business (a pre-school) it was a terrifying, stressful & nervous time- but it has been the most rewarding yeAr of my life to date. I am no risk taker so this was a huge!. I look forward to reading about your families new adventure. It will all be worth it- "if you don't build your own dreams somebody will happily employ you to build theirs" Xx from Sydney Australia

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  7. This was such a beautiful piece to read. I follow your blog because I am a newly married woman. I'm looking forward to having a baby, but I just don't always vibe with these "perfect mom" blogs. I love that you have shared what you are going through. How hard it is to be a parent, and the transitions you have gone through being a woman, to being a mom, to being a wife, to being a working mom and wife. I can't relate to the exact issues, as I don't have the blessings you have in certain areas yet (meaning a little one), but I understand how it feels to have everything you have ever wanted and yet still feel as it every things not as it seems. I enjoy reading your writing and connect with your feelings on so many levels. I just want you to know that you are an inspiration, and although you may be having a tough time now, tomorrow will be better. And the next day after that. Because you seem to be good people, and the best is yet to come. Hang in there.

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  8. Thank you all for you comments and kind thoughts. I want you all to know that they truly did help a girl feel a bit better :)

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Thank you for all your comments & kind words!! I reply in the comments section so check back if you have a question :) xo