Saturday, April 26, 2014

Where have I been, lately?

I don't know if this post will make any sense or have any real purpose
I haven't seen this space in quite some time. I guess I needed some time away.

It's rare that writing doesn't appease me but I don't feel that I need to force myself to post or write if I don't feel it there. Where have I been lately? There's been a lot going on the last month or so. Scarlett has been sick non-stop for a couple of months. I am literal when I say that she gets sick every week or every other week. We have tests and consultations in place. It's overwhelming and heartbreaking to watch her be so ill. Sleep has been scarce and work has been really demanding. I've had a couple of other things going on, too. Things that I have no energy to talk about….

There hasn't been a lot of time for me to write. Like right now. As I type this very line, Scarlett is crying in her bed because she is sick….

And after pausing to comfort her and put her back to bed, I'm sure I only have about an hour before she's up again. I have given up writing for awhile because between family, work and Scarlett there just wasn't time for it. I know that it is only a temporary phase and I will be able to write more again soon. Writing is my love. But sometimes life just isn't fair. I've learned that at a very young age. Sometimes you have to let one love go because you know another love is more important. Priorities right?

And just like my thoughts, this post is all over the place. I'm dripping in emotions and my thoughts are a mostly scattered.

I've been trying to understand myself and my feelings the last month or so. Silly, right? I should know how and why I feel the way I do, but I don't always have answers. In fact, I rarely do.

I guess the truth of the matter is that I'm not perfect. I am going to fail, fall down and sometimes let myself down. Recognizing that and trying harder next time makes me a better person than I was yesterday. I wish that I was like Ty. I wish that I had his patience, his understanding, his strength and heart. I'm made up of so many flaws. Me and my confidence….If I'm so confident, why am I so scared?

I do know that I have strength. You learn how strong you really are when you have no other choice. Still, I wish that once in awhile, the clouds would just open up and let me see the sun. I know….this may not make much sense. Anyhow, I haven't been around in awhile and I think that it's healthy to take breaks if they are needed. In my busy schedule, it was needed. In my life, writing had to take a back seat for a bit.

One thing is true, no matter how unsure I am about everything else in my life, God knew what He was doing when He gave me Scarlett. She's is my heart and despite all the hardships that raising children can bring, she is the greatest love I've ever known. 

I know that I have been MIA but I'm pretty sure I'll be back around again real soon….


  1. I feel for you and understand completely as I wrote a similar post this week (however you wrote more eloquently than I had the capacity to at the time). Raising children isn't easy and when they have a tough time and you're looking for answers it impacts on every part of your life. Praying for you and your beautiful girl and hope that she's better soon x

  2. That's too bad about Scarlett and I hope she gets better real soon. We all need to take breaks on things we love doing and focus on what is more important in life..

    Your hair is gorgeous by the way ;)

    Xo Ash
    Sincerely Miss Ash

  3. This post totally makes sense; I am feeling you here. Praying Scarlett's issues are resolved soon. God knew what He was doing when He made you Scarlett's mother. xo

  4. "Still, I wish that once in awhile, the clouds would just open up and let me see the sun."
    ^You've just put into words what I've thought/felt many times. (Including today. Ugh.) This is perfect!
    Sorry your daughter is (has been) sick. I hope she'll feel better soon! (And stay better.) :)
    Take care!


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