Thursday, October 24, 2013

Pieces of me then.



When I was younger, I always imagined an older me behind a video camera, sitting in a chair marked Director with my eyes squinted as I watched actors act out a scene of some awesome movie on a tiny screen. Or maybe even sitting in my office writing a screen play. As a young girl, I was in fact, audacious and full of possibility. Nothing feared me. Nothing stopped me. If you asked my father, he would tell you how I would spend hours out on the farm filming with his big ole' 1997 video camera.  Or that I would spend a whole day synchronizing music played by a cd player the size of a large tool box to video that I shot earlier that day. He would tell you how I cast my younger sister and all her friends as actors and helped them memorize their lines; lines I had written, or how I would amaze my high school teachers with re-enactments of movies using merely a video camera, some sound effects, and 2 VCR's hooked together to edit them. At a time when we didn't even own a computer, ( my father still doesn't own one) this was impressive......this was my place. 

...and I miss that.

     As most of you know, I started working this past Monday. Everyone is eager to ask me how it's going. Well...it's going. I will be in training for the next few weeks. In case any of you are wondering, I took a lending position. My past 6 years of work experience was in banking and although I was originally trying to stay away from banking (it honestly tends to bore me), I decided that the position I was going to take would work. It is only 3 days a week, but the pay makes up for it not being full time. Secondly, I am not working in the actual bank branch. I won't be dealing with people face to face. I'll be up in the headquarters where my office is located. I guess this is a change of scenery from what I previously did. And all of this is why I decided that taking the position would be in my favor. I did a lot of thinking while I was job searching. I ran through all of the options that I had. What would make the most sense, what paid best, what I could actually do. Somewhere in the midst of my job searching, I began to feel a little blue. I couldn't figure out why this was. But then it dawned on me. I thought about when I was younger and how much love I had held for my career. That was all gone. 

 Where did my dreams go? Here I am, in my late twenties applying for jobs that bore me to death, jobs that do not interest me, just so I can find insurance and get out of the house. How did I go from headstrong girl with a desire to do grand things to a girl who takes jobs just because? I somehow lost sight of my love and ended up settling for what worked for the moment.

As much as I'd like to blame my defeats on my parent's divorce, or my mess of ex-relationships that distracted me or my first love, who made me believe that he was more important than my dreams, I can't blame it on anyone. Deep inside, I am angry with myself for losing sight of what was important to me. For losing my place.

But regret won't make anything different. The past is just that.  I chose to let it slip away. I am unwillingly jealous of those that went after their dreams and had the strength to not let distractions interrupt them.  I can't help but daydream a bit of what my life would have been like if I had taken one different turn and chased my heart. And then I quickly remember I might not have Ty or Scarlett and those thoughts dissipate quickly. The one good thing is that I can use my lessons to teach Scarlett in the future. Maybe she can use my life, my blog posts to learn and just maybe she can do what makes her happy and passionate. I want her to have her place. It makes me smile to see young girls dismiss guys or peer pressure so that they can go after their stars. I just want a place to call mine. Besides my home built of Ty, Scarlett & love, I don't have that little place that I'm thrilled to go. The place that I can retreat to when Ty goes to work and Scarlett goes to school. The place that I'm proud to tell people about. The place that drives me and fills me with passion. 

I know that the majority of people in this world are not living out their dream careers and if you are, don't take that for granted.  I know that a lot of us are doing what we can to get by or we are doing the best with the cards that we have been dealt. I also know that what many thought would be their dream career turned out to be just another job. Does the time ever come when opportunity knocks and gives us a second chance at something great? Just a tiny second chance to grab hold of that wonder that we know is still deep inside of us? I would do anything for that. I know it's never too late. I guess I have some more thinking to do on that. Things just didn't turn out the way I had planned. Like Alanis Morrisette says, "You live....you learn." 

As I continue on with my new job, I try not to think about the could haves, the might haves or the would have beens. I try to focus more on what I can do now......


When I was little, I can remember thinking, "I'm gonna do something great, something important." 
I still pray for that something to come along. Maybe it's not even a job, maybe it's something else.
We all have purpose. 
I just want to find my place. 








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10 comments:

  1. Lauren, I loved reading this! This post reminds me so much of myself it's not even funny.. I applied to job after job just because it was a job. I applied to jobs I went to college for and still no reply. I believe a lot of these places we apply to take interest in the people who have the most experience (makes sense) but how are we suppose to gain that experience when no one wants to hire us on.? There are also so many people unemployed that there is so much competition. Where I work isn't my dream job either but I am not going to stop looking and going for jobs that I really want! Never stop trying is what I tell myself everyday :)

    Have a lovely weekend girl!
    Xo,
    Sincerely Miss Ash

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    1. You are right, they absolutely look for experience which is why the only job that surfaced was that of which I have experience in….I need to follow your advice and never stop trying either! xoxo

      You have a great week too :)

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  2. This is a daily struggle for me too, it's so hard to look at the big picture and realize there is a plan for all of us. Sometimes we get thrown off track, but ultimately you're going where you're supposed to. Your post on timing was for a reason, this too is for a reason. You'll find your passion again (I'll bet that you already have it, you just can't see it yet!) and the beauty of blogging is that in a few years you'll be able to look back and see how far you've come. Head up pretty lady, your cards haven't been completely dealt yet!

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    1. Thanks for the kind words and the reminder. These kind of comments are what I need right now XOXO

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  3. I do get where you are coming from. I'm 32, I left high school and went to work for my dad, who owns a little lumber yard in a small little town full of empty buildings, empty store fronts and drugs. We compete with the big box lumber yard in the next thriving town over from us. I make little money and struggle. I wanted & dreamed of working in the city, skyscraper office, sitting in rush hour every day. Instead, here I sit, putting my life on hold, struggling to pay bills, just to work in a small office with no windows, an orange floor and dark brown paneled walls. To go towards my dreams, means leaving him and disappointing my family. I'm stuck and unhappy. I sit and think of the days I would sit and dream of my future...Which depresses me even more.
    You are doing something great and important! You are an amazing mother! I get where you are coming from, but know that this little blog that you have reaches people and touches people in ways you would never know. You are leaving behind words of love, compassion & your true self that not only means something to me, but your daughter will forever be grateful for. To me, your blog is great and important. It may not be up on a big screen in the movies, but I thank you for sharing your story, your life & your heart.
    xoxo

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    1. This seriously made my entire week. Thank you!! The fact that I do make a difference to someone else is very rewarding and makes me happy to hear this. You are too sweet! Sending you love and good wishes for your future too, love.


      xoxo

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  4. I understand this completely. Sometimes I wonder to myself why I decided to become a lawyer when I could have been adventurous and become a pilot, a mountain climbing guide, an ambassador, a sky dive instructor, or any number of fun, exciting, or life-changing things. But then my husband reminds me - you aren't your job. Yes, some people get jobs doing crazy awesome things, or their dream jobs, but that's rare . Don't let your job define you. Do things in life aside from your job that makes you happy. It sounds like your current job gives you both flexibility and benefits, so seize the opportunity you have and resolve to enrich your life outside of work. I know it's hard when the job is boring or tedious. I am in the same boat.

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    1. After reading this, once again, I understand that sometimes successful people aren't necessarily 100% happy with what they do either. I guess we have to appreciate all the good in our lives and keep striving, right? Thank you for sharing your side, a different perspective. I guess we all have our battles. XOXO

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  5. just found + followed your blog and so glad i did!! you are an amazing, raw, authentic writer. i love these words. so wise yet so relatable. cheers, lovely. thanks for sharing your heart. hope you had a lovely friday!
    xx
    elise

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    1. So glad to meet you and thank you for following!!! Thank you A MILLION for the wonderful compliments. You are sweet as pie, Elise! ;) XOXOXO

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Thank you for all your comments & kind words!! I reply in the comments section so check back if you have a question :) xo