Tuesday, September 25, 2012
There are so many things that I want to teach you and tell you. I thought it would be nice to write some of these things down for you. You always hear that the older you get, the wiser you become. This is true. Although I never believed it when I was young. I was an independent child who became a rebellious teenager, then a troubled young adult and eventually, a wise woman. I still have lots to learn but I need to tell you these things because I wish I could have told myself these things when I was younger. I wish I could have given myself advice and comfort that I really needed at certain times in my life. So I am stopping today to tell you what it has taken me 28 years to learn.
When you are a child, you are innocent. You know nothing of the wicked in this world. I see this in you as you try to pull out safety plugs from the outlets, everything dangerous intrigues you and the drop off at the slide does little to make you flinch. You are fearless. And it is because you are so innocent still. I don't understand a lot about life in the fact that bad things do happen. I can't explain why some children get sick or why others get abused. This world is corrupt. It takes beautiful, innocent souls and turns their skin thick. In this world, Scarlett, we need thick skin to survive.
When I was a child, I was innocent, too. I was made of love and my wildest dreams were unlimited. My childhood was really quite happy. I have very little bad memories of it. But as I got older, I, along with the rest of the world, became a human. I started to see all of the bad in this world and it scared me. As things began occurring in my life, I then became angry! My parents had raised us religious but I was not convinced. Why had God let all of this wicked into the world? My parents divorce affected me more than I ever admitted. I took this out on life. I remember running into the woods, falling to my knees and begging God to please, please let my parents stay together. If He did this one thing, I would never ask for another thing for the rest of my life. But God said no. And I didn't understand. I rebelled and became a difficult child to handle. (I'll write more in detail of these things later)
As I got older, I went through many hard times. I made wrong choices but underneath it, I still held onto that innocence that I was born with. I knew that there was hope for me. There was a light at the end of my tunnel. My light didn't appear until I was about 26 years old. I needed some great wondrous light to set me straight. I was so far off track that I didn't even know who I was or what mattered. I questioned if God was real. All that I had asked Him for had crumbled in front of me. Why should I believe? I met Daddy when I was 25. He saved me in many ways. He showed me what true love was and what life was really all about. Why couldn't I have met him years ago? Looking back, I realize that I had to experience some of those bad things in order for me to understand. Had I met Daddy years ago, I might have lost him. I needed to see all the bad to appreciate the good. Kind of like the rain before the rainbow. Daddy was always a good soul. A kind child, a good teenager and a smart man. Not everyone has to take the hard path and Daddy didn't. Although Daddy has seen sad times too, he was always much wiser than most kids his age when he was younger. He was like an old man inside of a young boy's body. I hope that you are more like Daddy than me. I hope you are a wiser person from the start but these letters are here to help you just in case you feel lost....
Thank God for Daddy. Daddy lit up my world when he came into my life. But that wondrous "light" that I needed so badly didn't come until a year after I met Daddy. The light that really set me free was you, Scarlett. I didn't know that I needed you. I wasn't aware that I was in desperate need of my sweet baby. But God knew. And He gave you to me on May 4th. After growing you inside of my belly for months and then seeing you come into this world, how could I not believe in a God? You gave me purpose.
I wish that someone had told me that life is never easy. It's no reason to take it out on yourself or others. I wish that someone had told me that this world is full of darkness and sadness but that doesn't mean there is no good in the world. There are a lot of wonderful things, too. We need to focus on the positive. I wish someone would have told me that all those hard times would give way to something wonderful. I wish that someone had told me that I will never understand this world or how it works so don't try and figure it out. Just love. Love God, love yourself and love others. After years here, I finally figured out that we are here to love. Someday, we might live in a perfect world. That concept is much too complicated for us to fathom. It doesn't matter. Love for now. I love you Scarlett. I'd give up my life in one second for you. I have never felt that way about anything in my entire life. I don't understand religion sometimes and at times, it confuses me. I do know that God calls us His children. If He feels about us, how I feel about you, then we will never be lost or alone.
I have many stories that I want to tell you and they will all come in time and at the right time. I want to tell you of my life and the lessons that I have learned. But for now, I want to tell you that no matter what, I am here for you. I can't predict the future and I can't foresee what events will happen in your life. I am forever here for you. There is no thing great enough to make my love for you dim. I have seen bad things and dark days. I understand more than you might think. Come to me Scarlett and I'll try and help you in whatever way I can.
I guess that's enough for now. I love you Scarlett....