Friday, January 31, 2014

A Diary Archive: September 2009

Copyright ©2009  Lauren Hutchinson
A month or two ago, I was driving in my car when this song came on the radio. By the end of the song, I had forgotten where I was going 
because it was scarily close to something I had written over 4 years ago. I dug out this diary archive...

September 2009

I feel as though I'm lying. Am I lying?
Head over heels for him. Crying every night mourning you.
These two emotions battling for my heart. My sanity.
I can't love him like I should.
I needed time.
I needed to take a few months years to heal….. God knows it would take that long. You shattered me.
But I guess you can't choose when love comes along.
The scars that you left still effect me. They effect the way I trust- the way I love.

I can't love until I conquer this.
There are things….questions still unanswered that I want to know.
Things that I know will probably never be answered.
But maybe, if I ask them here on this piece of paper, just maybe it will help to diminish these scars. Because I need to be free of it all….I need to be free of you.

Why wasn't I enough?!
Why couldn't you do something to stop me from leaving!?
I stood there, in front of you, silently begging you to just say one thing.
One thing to stop me from leaving….

you didn't speak.

Tears in your eyes. Heartache written all over you.
But nothing left your mouth. 

Why do I feel as though it's my fault that you wouldn't choose me?
It was always you.
You were the one who pulled me close.
You were the one who pulled her close.
You were the one who couldn't choose.
I think looking back, you always knew that I had the guts to get up and walk away.
Me, the weak girl who couldn't live without you.
You knew that if it came down to it, I'd get up….and I'd leave you. That I was stronger than I knew.

I guess you were right.

Remember when you came home that night after being gone for three days? I asked you if there was someone else and you said yes. I asked you if you loved her. So loud and clear, you said, yes. 
I cried for 4 or 5 days straight. Just laying there in the dark, crying.
Now, years later, here you are sitting in front of me in this canoe playing sweet songs to remind me of the past. Here you are begging me to run away with you. Telling me to forget him. That we can be happy, just the two of us, how it was always supposed to be.

And when you asked me this...I didn't say a thing.
I hugged you and slowly turned around. I know it hurt more than any words that I could have spoken because inside you knew the reason.

I love him now.  His love came fast and strong. A force I couldn't stop. And when I tried to run, he held me tighter than ever and said I won't let you go. In 4 weeks, he has shown me more love than you have shown me in 9 years. Why is it that you couldn't love me like that? 

You say I don't care.
But you know.
Just because someone doesn't love you the way that you want them to, doesn't mean that they don't love you. Just not the way I thought I did…
And look at this mess we've made. So toxic we were to each other.

I can't do this anymore…I can't keep trying to make you choose me.
So I will say it loud and clear……..

………….I've given up on you.


  1. Holy crap! That's amazing! Beautiful!

  2. I know that feeling.
    I've been there.

    I love each and every writing I've read from you, but this one...
    is one of my favorites.

  3. Beautiful song and beautiful

    Katie x

  4. your words always touch my heart. thank you for sharing <3


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